As much as I try
To convince myself
I care about you
More than I’d like,
Down to my bones.
And I’ll never be
More than a fleeting
Face, just another girl,
To add to your list.
As much as I try
So I may be in discussions with a tattoo artist about getting my first tattoo next month, yayaayayayyyy !
The darkness creeps in and her body collapse to the floor, heaving with sobs. I think the emotions are starting to overflow again, I don’t know what to do.
You’ll forever have all these preconceived ideas swirling around in your head when you’re standing on the outside looking in. It’s easy to think about things subjectively and make assumptions, but when you’re actually placed into the situation, when internal and external stimuli are forced upon you, everything changes. Everything. And then you’re on the inside looking out and wondering how you could have ever thought those thoughts.
I really want to quit me job and disappear off the face of the earth. That’s all I honestly want from life.
I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I can’t. I want to fix this, to change everything I’ve become. But I don’t know how, and I fear its too late. Of course the end is inevitable, but some days I feel it creeping too close. For the brightness disappeared long ago, and while I’ve grown accompanied to the dark, there was always a faint spot of lights shining through a few cracks. But that was all a lie, perhaps a trick of the eye. Its so dark and cold now, all hope has disintegrated.
I remember that day so clearly still. The sun shining on our skin, warming every fibre of my being. The breeze dancing through my hair, and the sparking water tickling our toes. Your very existence bursting from your skin, I was always in awe. I can remember the way your arm draped around my shoulders, the perfect fit. I always felt so safe, so ready to take on the world. Your lips caressed the words that so easily flowed from your mouth, twisting themselves into pretty things that drifted off into nothingness. You and me against the world. You saved me, and then helped me destroy me.
My eyes are open now, the years have taken its toll. I wonder if I ever cross your mind. You’ll never be far from mine.
My minds uneasy. There’s people walking through that shouldn’t be there, and those that I never expected to be back again. I don’t know what to make of it all. I just wish I had all the answers. You say that takes all the fun out of life, but I don’t even know what fun constitutes for my consciousness anymore.
Lay your cards down on the table. Nice and clearly presented for you to see, to evaluate. Subjectively, I should be happy. And I have moments I believe what’s in front of me. But then I start to look pasr the pictures and facts and everything behind them and realise all these little bits and pieces don’t satisfy me. The doubt and second guessing starts to flow through my blood, infected the deep corners of my brain. I’ll be forever searching for something that’s never there, and that’s the downfall
I’m treading water now, wasting what little energy I have on keeping my head above water. No forward motion, just stuck, stationary. The water keeps getting thicker, my lungs are deprived of oxygen. How easy it would be to slip under this membrane, to the darkness below.